You Control Your Perception—and Your Actions

I want to start with a note that a foundational practice that has contributed to my success, has worked in part because of my privilege. As so many of us commit to the work of anti-racism, it’s important to share learnings and consider their context. Thank you for learning with me.

I’m a really good storyteller. One sideways look in the hallway and I can create a whole backstory for why that happened—and too often, I would convince myself someone didn’t like me or my work. I call this “writing the story”. What does it mean to write the story for someone? It’s determining you know someone’s motivations or thinking, even though they have not revealed it to you. It’s based on things you perceive, but your story may not be real.

I didn’t realize how heavily this practice had weighed me down—and slowed me down—in my career, until I worked with an executive coach. She helped me to realize I was writing stories in my head for why people did things or what things meant—in a way that they had not been explained or validated. I began to realize that I was misattributing people’s feelings and behaviors in a way that may not reflect reality. It was possible my boss didn’t mean any of the things I was worried about or the colleague made the hallway glance because he had missed a deadline for me, not because he was upset with me. This was one of the most game-changing mindsets for me and enabled me to strengthen my confidence and decision-making at work. To help keep me present, I developed a mantra:

Assume good intentions.

Instead of deciding why I knew people were doing things, I focused on all the positive possibilities. Since this shift allowed me to stop second-guessing what others thought of me and reallocate that time more productively, I’ve coached on it ever since.

However, as I’ve embarked on anti-racism learning, I realized that this mantra does not apply universally. Too often, Black people and people of color experience a look in the hallway that does mean something, or a colleague taking credit for their work or speaking over them in a meeting.

It’s called a microagression, which is defined as indirect, subtle, or unintentional discrimination against members of a marginalized group such as a racial or ethnic minority. It is something that happens between two people.

I had been aware of microagressions from reading books and articles, but it hadn’t occurred to me until now that assuming good intentions isn’t universal advice. Black people and people of color have been asked to assume the best and forgive other people’s transgressions for far too long.

Spend time learning about bias and microagressions, so you can understand the best way to strengthen work relationships and support your colleagues.

In the meantime, I’ve revised and amended my advice to assume good intentions and remember the impact you have on others.