How to Support a Grieving Colleague or Friend

Last month we said goodbye to our father. I've been so grateful for the support and kindness to our family: the meaningful calls and letters, the meals that showed up unexpectedly, the offers from people to listen to stories or just to sit in silence.

In moments of tragedy, illness, or death, you cannot take away pain and suffering, but you do have the ability to make things just a bit lighter or more comfortable. You may feel unsure of how to help a grieving friend or worry you’re going to do or say the wrong thing. Preparing for these moments with grace is a Bold Move. Here are ways you can support a friend or colleague who is going through a difficult time.

There’s no perfect moment. It’s natural to feel nervous about reaching out. Don’t wait. If we’ve learned anything about life, it’s that there is never a perfect moment, and no moment is promised to us. Your friend or colleague needs you now—even your imperfect self. Show up for them.

Offer, don’t ask. So many times, well-intentioned people say, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” Or “How can I help?” But in the moment, it’s much more helpful to tell someone what you’ll do to be helpful. For example, say, “I’d like to bring you dinner every Wednesday night, or Tuesday if you prefer. This way you’ll have something you can count on. Does that work for you?” Something like this is a gift in so many ways, including saving the person the energy of having to think about these decisions.

Let them feel heard. Your goal is not to make them feel better. Instead, your job is to let them feel heard. You can’t erase what they’ve been through, nor should you try. If they want to talk, listen. If they feel like being silent, honor this. Whatever they need in that moment, hear them.

Don’t compare experiences. We’re taught that empathy means relating to what someone is feeling, but compassion is more important in grief. Even if you, too, have experienced something tragic and difficult, it’s best not to presume that it’s the same as what this person is feeling. Sharing your own story without being invited to could feel like comparison, or worse, competition. All experiences of loss are difficult. Focus only on what your friend is going through right now. That said, your friend may identify differently with people who have experienced something similar.

Be mindful of your own perspectives on grief and death. It’s safer to keep the comments to yourself about how everything happens for a reason or a person who is dying will be “better off.” There are many different beliefs about death and dying, and you wouldn’t want to unintentionally upset the grieving person by professing your beliefs. If they’re interested in your perspective, they may ask, but don’t offer.

Use language carefully. Pay attention to the cues from the person you’re talking to and try to emulate their language or tone in how they’re talking about their experience. Follow their lead and do the same so you can be what they need at that time. I also try to say the name of the person who is ill or has died. It feels like a small way to honor them and allow comfort for the person who is grieving to speak about them too, if they want to.

Grief and death make us uncomfortable, which is understandable. There’s so much uncertainty in these moments. It is this very vulnerability, of not always knowing the right thing to say or do, that connects us to others and is the reason we show up anyway.

This is an adapted excerpt from my book, One Bold Move a Day: Meaningful Actions Women Can Take to Fulfill Their Leadership and Career Potential.

Dedicated to the memory of my father.