What I Would Share With Other Dual Career Couples
My husband, Matt, and I have worked to establish ourselves in our dream professions while putting family first. I’m an Associate VP in fundraising, my husband is an Assistant Professor, and we have a 5th grade son who plays travel soccer in addition to a packed academic schedule. This paradigm—of two working parents juggling careers and family—is more common than ever. According to Pew Research, in about half of two parent couples, both spouses work full-time. In that same study, 56% of couples said that balancing two careers is hard. (I’m pretty sure the other 44% agree and were too busy doing all the things to respond to that question.)
Matt and I met and fell in love at 17. We dated long-distance for four years of college and have been together now for a total of 22 years. Our careers have grown right alongside our love story: We have lived together in five states, climbed our respective career ladders, and are raising a wonderful child.
It’s not always easy: There have been several times in our marriage where our ambitions pulled us in separate directions, and we have had to navigate those choices together.
According to Avivah Wittenberg-Cox, author and expert on leadership and gender, there are four career models for dual career couples: single career, alternators, parallelograms, complements. The models operate similar to how they sound; respectively, only one person works; couples take turns pursuing the more demanding career; couples both have high powered careers (often referred to as “power couples”); and couples with vastly different careers (e.g. corporate and academic). All of these models work and you may use a different model at various points in your career; the most important factor is in designing the model together that works for you and your spouse.
When I was figuring this out, there wasn’t nearly as robust a conversation as there is today. This is my motivation for sharing our experiences with you. Here’s the framework that has worked for us.
Clarify expectations
For you and your spouse to create a model that works for both of you, you’ll need to have open conversations about what matters to you. Talk about what your dreams are, what you hope to accomplish in your career, what areas of the country or world could work (or not), and how much travel will be acceptable. Clarify your spouse’s expectations related to money, how to schedule, childcare, etc. This should be a continual dialogue when you discuss short- and long-term priorities.
Be prepared to flex. I am fairly certain I said I would never move to Alabama. Surprise: We ended up living there for five years while my husband pursued his doctorate. I remember the discussion for Matt and I being about whose career was more “important” at the time. I felt like I was taking a step backward in order for him to pursue his goals. We had to reframe this as an opportunity for both of us, which is what it ended up being, but it took us a while to see that. I found a job that positioned me well for the rest of my career and worked for someone who would be one of my best bosses ever. Sometimes it is more about who you are than about what the job is. Dual career couples may have to compromise at some point in order to support both parties.
When you approach these conversations and choices, do so as a team. You are more likely to listen, collaborate, and cheer each other on.
Coordinate schedules
In your commitment to continual conversation with your spouse about time and priorities, I recommend establishing weekly or monthly meetings about calendars and potential conflict. There’s nothing quite like realizing you both have an early meeting or need to travel at the same time. Technology can help you with these conversations by using apps to track your shared to-do lists and discussing who is best suited for which tasks at home. I’ve read plenty of advice that says you should discuss your finances in these meetings, too, generally weekly or monthly. I’m not trying to solve for world peace here, just generating important conversations about calendars.
Spend time wisely
Especially when you have children, your time will be limited. Focus on what you get to do instead of what you are supposed to do. Choose activities that energize you and bring you joy. This means saying no to the opportunities that don’t serve you, whether that’s the teacher-school association, nonprofit fundraising committee, or 4,000th mentoring coffee. Saying no to something that you feel you should do will allow you to say yes to what you want to do.
Here are some guidelines to help you decide whether it is worth taking on a new project or activity:
1. Does this use your superpowers and/or bring new learning?
2. Will you feel this is a meaningful use of your time (i.e., does it serve/fit with who you are as a person) ?
3. How will this affect your work and home life?
I have had to get very good at knowing what I do want so I can proactively seek out those projects and say no to the many other invitations. Remember: Saying no to a project doesn’t have to mean forever. Know what your limit is at one time and revisit for the future.
Support each other
Research shows that power dynamics in the relationship are yet another challenge for two career couples. Housework often causes strife for dual career couples, because it is yet another thing that has to be done after a full day of work. When the woman has a higher status career, she feels more supported by her husband when he assists with tangible household responsibilities (such as laundry and dishes), likely because it directly supports her and shows respect to the demands on her time.
Again, this is where open communication matters. Talk openly about what your expectations are; be realistic. Tiffany Dufu’s Drop the Ball is one of the best resources on how to communicate with your spouse about what your priorities are and how to divide household responsibilities. Delegate what you can. Outsource what you can. For the rest, follow Dufu’s advice to “drop the ball”.
Supporting each other goes beyond the to-do list. It is also about being present for each other. There is a universal need to be heard, reinforcing the importance of active listening at home. Proactively create a plan together for how you and your spouse will connect with each other: whether you will call each other on the commute home to talk before the rush of the evening at home, you’ll spend the first 15 minutes at home talking through the day, or you prefer to wait until after the kids go to bed. After you have decided the timing that works best for you, make a point to listen to your spouse’s stories and worries from work.
Outside of your evening catch-ups, which can be thwarted by work and kid demands, schedule time for just the two of you, whether a recurring date night or shared activity. Matt and I exercise together several days a week and plan early morning dates at our favorite coffee shop.
Jennifer Petriglieri, a professor at INSEAD and author of Couples That Work, suggests the most successful working couples support and push each other (figuratively!). When you experience a setback or challenge, it is natural to want your spouse to respond compassionately. In Harvard Business Review’s Women at Work podcast, Petriglieri references research that shows you also fare better when your spouse thoughtfully asks you what you plan to change about the situation and what you will do going forward. He isn’t checking up to see if you did it, he is encouraging you to do it. That’s what makes the difference.
I think about this in the context of my own relationship. When I was rejected from something I had been looking forward to, Matt gave me space to be upset and asked me what I had in store for the world next.
I am fortunate to have an incredibly supportive husband who believes in me and my career as much as his own—and I know he can say the same about me. He is also the lead parent—and, yes, I do feel that has enabled me to have it all. I think the conversations about working parents have already started to change and I’m hopeful to support the next generation in having the kind of work environment where employers say upfront that family comes first for women and men, and that means caring for your family, whether your children, your parents, or your community.
You can love your career and love your family. Choosing your spouse will be one of the most important career decisions you make.
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